Life as a work of art.

“Ultimately, there is nothing to forgive

because there is no one to judge.”

 Wayne W. Dyer

 

To be in society means making conscious choices regarding the people you surround yourself with. It is said that like-minded people attract one another but I have experienced situations when that wasn’t applicable so I found myself asking how true is that nowadays? Is it still available for every person and in every society? What about organizations, how do they function and if the people collaborating on that organization’s vision are like-minded and share the same or approximately the same system of values?

When in society is it possible for someone to make a display of a certain mindset through speech but have a different behavior, resulting in incongruence (or a fraud as I call it), perhaps as a result of confusion or just unattained self-reflectiveness/ awareness of own acts?

YES! And it happens not only among people but at organizations level as well, regardless of culture or age.

I see it as an absolute necessity for each person to be aware of their own behavior and other people’s behavior in order to develop healthy, respectful relationships based on win-win outcome regardless of the input or social relations – be it personal or professional.  In my experience I have met situations where people were incongruent between their speech and behavior displaying huge differences between what they claimed to be and what they represented through their actions, in my private and professional life. Persons and organizations I have collaborated with disrespected the initial agreement and plan, putting at risk the lives of the people involved, therefore I have concluded that making conscious choices after a rigorous evaluation as an absolute necessity before starting any social relation/collaboration.

I have asked myself what could be the problem of such mismatch and how can one prevent  a collaboration with someone who is unreliable in terms of not being aware of their own behavior and influencing in an undesirable way collaboration? I have concluded that one individual is a result of the overall social relations developed along with time including the childhood background which plays a large part in formatting an individual’s future character. I will come up with a few examples from my experience both personal and professional as a certified coach, from different cultures and of different age group, of how influential childhood background is and how it shapes future characters.

 

 

      Let’s start with the case of a 45 years old English man. This man makes an agreement with a lady to support her through education (promises) as he states that education is important and women should be world examples (this is the speech). His behavior states differently. He withdraws and leaves the woman without support, probably preferring pornography and alcohol (incongruence). He refuses to accept the woman’s chosen method of contact and forces his own way of contact (aggressive behavior), violating the woman’s human right of free choice, intimacy and privacy in a display of forced male dominance. This is a classic case of a fraud, someone who says one thing but does another. But free choice is free for everyone. Can we blame the English man for choosing pornography and alcohol over supporting a woman’s education? Let’s see his background. Coming from a dysfunctional family where the father is an alcoholic living a passive life spent between pub and television where the mother is constantly overwhelmed with responsibilities and too busy to display affection towards children. The children will subconsciously follow the father model, sabotaging a woman’s role.

As an extra,  I have a perfect example how children are taught to be “obedient”  from early ages.

 

 

 

40 years old western woman coming from a dysfunctional environment where the mother has an extra relationship (adultery) and the father is an alcoholic, with a younger sibling who appears to be preferred by the father will develop a subconscious aversion towards the mother and the sibling, ignoring the alcohol problem of the father. She will understand that adultery is tolerated and women are untrustworthy, similarly developing a strong demonstrative behavior to state her own worth and necessity of being acknowledged as worthy of affection, recognized as capable of displaying love. In her adult years she will struggle to develop collaborations with people rated as important and be stimulated by competition for attention, in scenarios that will replay the initial conflictual theme (mother-father issue), supporting the male part and proving herself better than the female part involved in the conflictual theme. At professional level she will constantly compete with other female positions (even when unnecessary – it is a subconscious level), sabotaging the ones higher in hierarchy to prove her worthiness and display a mask of savior/victim in her romantic relationships, attracting men with similar father conflictual issues (vices). Such a person displays a message of reliable friend or partner, subconsciously competing to prove her importance, sabotaging collaborations.

A young woman coming from an environment where strong traditional motifs were present yet the mother was little present and the father was supportive will be encouraged to trust herself and life but will subconsciously associate women with unreliable presence. The influence will be displayed on how relations will be encouraged. Such a person will choose to trust persons who make themselves present even if having inadequate behavior (encouraging adultery or fraud) instead of evaluating consciously the quality of a collaboration regardless of time input. Professionally she will have inconstancy tendency. An Oedipus complex will be present if the mother-daughter relationship was dysfunctional, the woman being inclined to adultery herself (subconscious competition to prove her worth).

A child that has witnessed a mother’s way of problem solving situations (also financial tensions)  developing into a period of sickness or illness will associate tensioned periods of life with illness and money as a reward  or conflict solving option. As an adult, the person will “get sick” every time will be met situations that need to be consciously solved or will experience hardship. Money will be perceived as a type of “necessary evil” to solve a conflict or a reward for attention, a display of affection.

Behaviors are rarely taken into account and what is more valuable in our society is the spoken word or agreement even though verbal agreements are not respected in most cases, even at organization level.

An organization advertising children programs, especially children coming from broken families (dysfunctional background), will need to psychologically assess their personnel by an authorized and competent authority, distributing tasks to collaborators according to competences and attributes, after a rigorous evaluation. Tasks that are safely and efficiently designed to meet children’s needs.

Ignoring behavior means not paying attention when the organization will mix tasks and issue proposals for unauthorized collaborators, putting at risk children’s lives and breaking their human rights for safety. The question here is what is the actual aim of the organization?

There are many situations in which you can find yourself confused as the initial agreement has changed without notice. It is a necessity to observe and evaluate each person or possible collaborator for establishing a relation where every part involved has a gain and thus avoid misunderstandings.

I am available for writing pieces, coaching discussion (phone, skype, 1-on-1) and projects that are based on win-win solutions/outcome for all the parties involved. Contact me here for  further details.

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25 thoughts on “Life as a work of art.

  1. Dear readers I am 44 ( fact checkers are very important in this age of fake news and outright lies ). I do not consider myself an English man. I was born in England, but I detest flags and borders. I do consider myself a European (voted to remain in eu) and most importantly I am an atheist or anti-theist.
    I have helped and supported and loved j since about march 2005. And have been supported in return. There has been numerous illness, operations, moves, etc. There is no national health service in Romania.. perhaps dear readers in Rom, you might want to change your society and politics to deliver a health care for all citizens ? a debate for another day perhaps.
    I have not withdrawn my support. However I only help and support a friend who I love and care about. Let me dear reader, clarify the word love I use here, it is not romantic nor sexual, but a love of a person you consider as a cherished family member, rare though that may be. In fact the only person I care about as much is my mother.
    I have not withdrawn, rather I have had something withdrawn from me since 1st January. I message my friend with happy new years day… I receive a written vague tone in fantasy.. including a god bless us all… which makes me flinch, but I let it pass.
    Without any explanation I am told (in written whatsapp message) I am now to only contact my friend through a website. Dear reader how many friends do you have, who you only contact via a website ? no calls no messages no face to face contact, but a website ? dear reader, if you have such a friend how much do you consider this behaviour friendly ? how much empathy do you have for that friend ? how much do you now care for them when they behave like this toward you ?
    Fraud, the word has a criminal usage, one can go to prison for fraud. Instead let me use integrity and respect for myself. I only support and help a friend. I do not consider any a person a friend who insists on contact through a website only. There is your answer dear reader.
    To the author of this piece be careful please, you really are on dangerous ground publishing personal details on websites for all to see without permission. Your subject may take offence and take legal action, which could take down your website. As for me, It’s not a problem as I think you are mentally ill or having a wobble. Let me make clear having a mental illness is not to call someone a retard ( a word I detest, but I am trying to convey to you dear reader exactly what I mean, or rather what I definitely do NOT MEAN ). These mental “wobbles” as I like to call them do not last forever although they might if the person insists on isolation.
    The problem with written exchanges whether it whatsapp or text messaging or wherever, is that people may misinterpret a persons intentions. How can you have a friend who you don’t talk to ? listen to ? to lift you up on a bad day or with more serious deeper issues ? to make each other laugh ? to make you debate and disagree with ?
    A couple of things, you quote w.dyer a man who says follow or be like jesus Christ. A fictional character, no evidence of actual existence. God, who for 80,000 years witnessed suffering on his men women and children, does nothing, then suddenly decides 2000 years ago, ok I have had enough, I will send down my son and murder him, to show you people the way. Bullshit.
    Pornography is free, alcohol is cheap, neither are a substitute for friendship and love. I think dear reader we all agree on this?
    I am looking for maturity, I am 44 you are 31, this is ridiculous, the emotion I feel today is sadness and puzzlement, I am not all bitter although I think dear readers if you were in my shoes you might be thinking WTF?!
    Tell me dear reader, I invite you all, how does a friend behave ? what do you want from a friend ? why have one at all ? I miss my friend j. I cannot force anyone to be my friend, I will accept a parting of the ways, don’t want that, a verbal explanation would be nice but what can one do, we are all free to do as we please.

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    1. My name is Andreea Janina Jalia. Thank you for your clarification, I appreciate that someone does mention not identifying with the nation one was born in (England) and comments about open borders. Seems you have identified yourself with some of the text here? 🙂 One question : Why would “a friend” refuse to contact “the friend” in the requested way, if that friend values the person and “loves” as “a friend”?

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      1. I have made it very clear above. i have values which i respect. i am not interested in having a website friend. i prefer real ones. ask your readers about website only contact “friend” ? i am interested in their views.

        ps.

        ” Seems you have identified yourself with some of the text here? ” please cease and desist from this fakery and obfuscation, it really lacks any charm.

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      2. So you state to be a friend to someone you visited personally many times, met family, friends, supported, had all contact information that “one friend” could have but have you offered the same background information to state your identity? For someone who doesn’t identify with England you used “my country” many times.

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      3. you can come here if you wish. my mum and dad would be very welcoming, they are both much nicer than me, lol. you have been here before i believe.

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      4. Thank you for your invitation, I think you know already what I have seen and where I have been, you enjoy being “informed” by various methods. Tell me about free expression, what do you think about it? Am I allowed to express my opinion on my blog? You have mentioned in your comment I should be “careful”? Is free expression free or what was your message, I didn’t understand very well.
        I am also curious why it took since 2005 until January 2017 to tell me I can come meet your family? Since you “loved me as a friend”, OH, where was the empathy? Like the one I showed every time I had the chance to do so? By the way, you were never present at any surgery I had. And not in my recovery period. Is that what a friend does?

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      5. have you ever heard of doctor patient confidentiality ? ask your doctor friend about if she publishes her patients details online ?

        you can express your opinions, but publishing details of others without permission may upset the subject enough to cause hurt and embarassment, not just offence, which to be offended is not a problem in my view. i say be careful, as a subject may take legal action against you, if you first don’t ask permission.

        i am a working class man, i have only certain periods of time off work i can take, cover for others, etc. i need to work to get paid. i am not at liberty to fly anywhere i want whenever i want.

        personally, in my opinion it is very dull here, certainly not beautiful. maybe the UK is now getting closer to the top of the list of places to see after, italy france greece romania sicily ibiza bali.

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      6. Confidentiality is a key factor my dear “friend”. I have come up with examples from my personal and professional life as mentioned, how can you tell which is which? Am I allowed to use my personal life as reference? You identified yourself with some comment here and felt the need to clarify it. Thank you very much for adding essential details, I appreciate when someone pulls my sleeve to remind me I might make mistakes, as we are human beings (the ones you repeatedly said you hate) and we all have our faults.
        Whilst you were in different pornographic romances in the past I preferred travel as a method of letting my hair down. What could I have done better, you typed to me messages you wanted to send to another (I was drugs and alcohol addict, did you know?), by mistake, I felt cheated and disrespected, unappreciated and lied to, especially when it came from someone I was looking up to (as mentioned in my book). The idea is that we can do better if we pay attention at the type of behavior we had, was it really worth it to do so?
        When I said to you last summer that I love you and value you as my friend I meant it, I believe in you and I thank you for coming out and speaking to me here, publicly, it means you broke down the egg shell and finally stepped out to speak who you are.

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      7. i have a penis and balls and testosterone. i am allowed to have a sex life. i am a human being.

        we were in a very short brief romance, it ended after 2/3 years. i can’t remember, i am not looking back, wishing for it, after it ended i can have an erection with whoever will have me.. there are not many who will facilitate that sadly, lol.

        you are not and have not been in my sexual sphere for a long time. so words like cheated disrespected and unappreciated are not relevant to my sex life, as you are not in it.

        well, i suggest asking your readers if you divulge too much information of past confidences with people you think you know, i only offer a cautionary note.

        i did not know you used drugs. like what exactly ? as for alcohol, well i can’t and won’t give up wine, but as long as i cycle and spin regularly i need to be sober for the majority of the week.

        i like to communicate with you, you numpty lol. thats why i miss you. crikey.

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      8. Well now we now your biological status, thank you for sharing. About romance, you can ask me for details, I remember what our romance was like and for how long (about a year – we saw each other twice in 2005 btw we first talked in February 2005, after your 33rd birthday), if you wish. When I mentioned how I felt it had no sexual connotation, I valued friendship more therefore I felt cheated because you refused to share with me your concerns and hide (but I can’t blame you because I was hiding from you as well with many things), instead telling me you are not interested in any relationships, during a long period of years, even last summer you mentioned it. For someone who refused my method of communication and forced his own you didn’t display a longing after communication but merely a wish for me to accept your method. That I interpreted as aggressive and I felt no openness coming from you to accept me as I decide it is more adequate for myself. Am I allowed, as “a friend” to try and find my own way, are you willing to accept me the way I want to live my life?
        Is that on your list of values, to be open-minded and allow your “real friends” to express themselves as they wish whilst adhering to what they think it is best for them? Because what you did these last weeks is contradictory to your discourse of “valuing women” and most of all appreciating me as a friend. You assumed that if I ask you to contact me in a specific way it will be a “website friendship”, that doesn’t mean it is true or what would have happened. I personally feel again unappreciated because you refused to give me credit on the method I consciously chose for myself.
        I miss my friend, I miss the real person I have discussed with at the table during dinner last summer, when we talked about books and how crazy the world is when a person like me has very limited choices in trying to create their own path.
        Between that moment then and this now you went somewhere, in a place where you constantly told me “what I can’t do, or shouldn’t do, or did wrong”.
        What about ym freedom of expression and freedom of choice?

        And rights to live as I choose to? Are you able to accept me with all my choices, the lies I have told in the past, the mistakes I have done, the things I have said and everything that is to come?

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      9. you write contradictions and with confusion. you have lost me on the “communication” section ???

        i have no method. i do not want you to do things my way. i have no control over anyone, nor do i wish it.

        you can do whatever you want to do.

        what i have done these last few weeks is send you a few texts, saying i miss you, and phoned on saturday and sunday, with you obviously ignoring my call.

        i thought, wrongly, i deserved an explanation after all these years. i can live with being cut. it’s like you are deceased. i am living with the withdrawal symptoms. i will get over it in time.

        why don’t you go live in bali, you were happy there.

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      1. well, its gone missing, so i will write it again. Now things are public i am have the right to defend myself against what i see as defamation of character.

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      2. Why don’t you make your own blog and write on it? With your name not initials. Are you hiding your background and your friends?

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      3. my name is duncan howard peters, 44, living in hertfordshire, UK.

        you have copy of my passport and driving license lol.

        you are completely bonkers. i am genuinely concerned for your state of mind.

        ok.. back to the missing reply…

        where was i … yes, you are clearly a bit confused because you write with contradictions. i thought, wrongly it turns out, i deserved a verbal explanation. you may regret that, who knows.

        all i have done in January is send 2? texts stating i miss you and made a a couple of calls on saturday and sunday, which you chose to not answer… i have not bothered today and will not try again lol.

        you can do whatever you want. i want no control over you or anyone. do as you wish. you write as if i order you about, that is nonsense and you know it.

        you have cut me out. i cannot force anyone to be my friend. now you are deceased effectively, i mourn, but i will live. it hurts a bit right now, but i plan on living a few years yet.

        while i notice it now, what lies are you talking about ?

        and bali, you were very happy there, why don’t you relocate ?

        i did not delete my last entry, so who did ? perhaps your readers can solve the mystery lol ?

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      4. Probably “your real friends” gave you a hand to delete the message so you have a motif to post more 🙂 nice move. Smooth. What is your name anyway?

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    1. How wonderful it is here. Now we can see your expression clearly and punctuation…which states truly what I have written above. You haven’t answered my questions, yet. 1. Why don’t you make your own blog?
      2. What about my freedom of expression and freedom of choice?

      And rights to live as I choose to? Are you able to accept me with all my choices, the lies I have told in the past, the mistakes I have done, the things I have said and everything that is to come?

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      1. blogs are irrelevant. get real. be a real journalist, in a newspaper or magazine, be a real writer, with a fanclub, then write a blog. what is a blog if nobody reads it ?

        i have written it and told you… you can do whatever you want.

        what lies ?

        ( you are as mad as a box of frogs, so funny, i am laughing, READ THIS; i wish only good things for you )

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      2. Do you consider yourself nobody? How do you know since you never tried? Where is freedom of action, seems you only think about payment and like always…suggest what people “should do”.

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      3. i consider myself nobody and without any depreciation for my place in humanity.

        look, you are not as intelligent as me yet… maybe in 10 years time, its great what you are doing, but i know more than what you do.

        you have many more qualities than me. i miss them.

        you have little freedom. i have little freedom.

        so we have to compromise until things change.

        what lies ?

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      4. 1. For someone born in England you assume, generalize and speak a lot in the name of others.

        2. Have you been sober for a few months to be able to make a correct evaluation?

        3. You are contradictory as you wrote …”I consider you dead and only sent two messages”….then you came back using pronoun “we”.

        4. There is no background information upon you, on web, you haven’t created any display of your identity, you don’t have your own space/blog where to post information so that people could know who you are – ex childhood experience, relatives, marital status, creditors, debts (as those can influence one person’s way of thinking and expression) – you could also be with criminal background.

        5. You broke an agreement with a lady when you told her you will support her during education then withdrawn, leaving the person possibly without food or shelter – that means you might be untrustworthy person?

        6. Again, thank you for your example of – Someone who constantly tells others what they could/should/are able to do, this I will use as a study case for a future post.

        7. You seem incapable of self-reflection.

        8. Create your own space/blog/whatever and post information there, this is my blog.

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      5. 1. no i don’t, are you losing the plot ?

        2. as you know i spin on my bike indoors an hour a day, currently on a 19 day consecutive block, to do this you have to be sober.

        3. what are you talking about ? i got no idea. you are so confused lol.

        4. i am replying to you, after your posting of details about me in public. you are mad as fuck lol.

        5. no agreement was broken by me. i clearly explained in my first reply to you. you cut me out of your life, read your own messages on whatsapp. it’s you who is untrustworthy, you really have no idea how to fix this problem of your own making do you ? currently i am out of your life, cut out by you, so what do you expect exactly ?

        6. anything you write about me, you will receive a reply, be sure not to make yourself look foolish.

        7. all i do is self reflect, what a sad mess this is, anything you do next will not surprise me at all. i am NOT having a good time here ok ? you get that ? 😦

        8. i am NOT interested in blogs. i only reply to slights and defamation of my character, which is a basic human right.

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  2. AJJ January 16, 2017
    My name is Andreea Janina Jalia. Thank you for your clarification, I appreciate that someone does mention not identifying with the nation one was born in (England) and comments about open borders. Seems you have identified yourself with some of the text here? One question : Why would “a friend” refuse to contact “the friend” in the requested way, if that friend values the person and “loves” as “a friend”?
    Before using statements and accusations (defamation of character) check out your moral state, sobriety (a few months maybe would be better idea).
    Read English.
    dhp January 16, 2017
    you write contradictions and with confusion. you have lost me on the “communication” section ???

    i have no method. i do not want you to do things my way. i have no control over anyone, nor do i wish it.

    you can do whatever you want to do.

    what i have done these last few weeks is send you a few texts, saying i miss you, and phoned on saturday and sunday, with you obviously ignoring my call.

    i thought, wrongly, i deserved an explanation after all these years. i can live with being cut. it’s like you are deceased. i am living with the withdrawal symptoms. i will get over it in time.

    why don’t you go live in bali, you were happy there.

    Tips and suggestions, thank you, use them on yourself. I know who I am and what I am capable of. How about you better check your own status and how you assumed friendship, agreements, life in general also what maturity means?

    Like

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