Today I found the earrings you once gifted me. Their elegant stones capture light with the same gentleness. I haven’t worn them, I have to confess. I was afraid of spoiling them, I guess… All these years I had them right beside me, without even touching or seeing them. I kept them hidden, in their small box, in a corner, to protect them from time. Let me tell you of them, because I so wanted to keep them safe, so I can have them forever… you see, today I realized something important.
When I found them. I have learned nothing. All my years of education, all my travels and restless walks upon this earth I learned nothing. Very little about myself and nothing of you. Such a fool. Then, I thought I will have you, instead of them, but hiding them showed me I knew, I knew, I knew everything since then. They showed me I always knew…
There was no comment made when I opened their box. You don’t have to worry, they were a classical gift. As I lifted the small wrap, they caught up light instantly, pilling it up above them in sparkles, reflecting it beautifully… it was a burdening light shining through my eyes, into my brain recalling all my memories and igniting my heart.
Do you remember how that feels like? To have a heart? Does it beat?
Do you feel your heart?
Do you remember me? Do you remember my laugh?
Do you remember when you fell asleep holding my hand? We had just finished one of our numerous fights, saying to each other we’re going to stop talking or concluding that you’d better leave me alone, just leave, then you’d say yes, maybe you should leave, instead watching me breathing furiously, troubled with so many words we used to throw like poisoned arrows towards each other, revealing my nature, yours, separately materializing better feelings, soothing our hearts until you could look into my eyes again. We were like children holding our breaths under water.
It hurt. It still does. It left me without air. Now I can’t seem to get enough air.
When I opened my eyes and met yours, your hand holding gently my fingertips, I felt as if I was trying something on, in the fitting room, for the first time, you used to give me the same look. You were always silent, watching me. It confused me.
Enigmatic silence. One time, one of the ladies assisting me to dress was repeating excitedly going to love this swimsuit on you, you know, and when I finally came out of the fitting room, for you to see me, you just had that look, the same look in your eyes … when you watched me opening mine. You said nothing. I waited, there was nothing said. I felt distance creeping between us, I felt that distance and coldness constructing a cage around me, giving me a claustrophobic feeling, rooting it deep inside me.
Distinctive feeling, this… From here to eternity I don’t know if it would change? I feel as walking on a string, wishing to reach the end, safe, I enjoy the adrenaline and take comfort in the silence between the steps yet that silence separates me from the final moment.
I feel my heart grieving, holding its breath underwater.
I closed the box with those earrings. I placed it in the same corner.
I hope, I wish that someone will wear them, someday.